Professor Anonymous

Incognito U. has a large number of “live off-campus” students who drive to classes, as well as a large number of “live on-campus” students who drive between classes. As the semester starts, many inexperienced students, desparate from the 350% oversell of student parking space, will attempt to sneak into a faculty/staff parking lot. Sadly, many have no idea how to get away with it. So, I am providing this valuable information to the Incognito U. student body.

1. Park in a space and in only one space; that is, between those lines painted on the ground. Don’t just pull up to the curb and turn your hazards on. You are going to be inside for longer than “a minute.”
2. Park as far away as possible. Don’t take spaces that are right by the door. I shouldn’t have to tell you this.
3. Don’t block any other cars. Ever. No matter how briefly. Even if they are illegally parked.
4. Don’t block the drive; see #1 and #3.
5. Don’t park in spots marked ‘reserved.’ Those aren’t reserved for you (they’re not reserved for me, either).
6. Don’t park in gated lots, even if you can get the gate to open by punching the card reader, ramming the gate, or following another car.
7. The parking enforcement officers are woefully predictable. Take a  lunch one day and watch to see when they come and go. It’s the same every day. Beginning and end of the day are popular times for patrol, but the middle of the day when demand for spots is highest? Not so much.
8. Don’t put an expired or fake parking pass in your window. Having no pass is better because we may think you’re a visitor.
9. Don’t wave or say “hey dude” to faculty when getting out of your illegally parked car. Particularly when you’re in the spot in which he usually parks. Yes, I mean me.
10. Don’t park and then put up your hood; no one believes you broke down and pushed your car to a faculty lot. And then into a spot on the faculty lot. If you actually do break down, don’t push it to a faculty lot; when we see a stalled student car, we know it’s going to become a permanent part of the lot because you can’t pay to fix it. Automatic tow.
11. Be prepared to pay; you will eventually get caught. But it’s probably cheaper to pay a couple of those tickets than the actual parking pass fee for student lots, and the payments won’t due at the same time as tuition, fees, etc. It’s like a payment plan. However, they will boot you if you have more than some number of tickets; learn what that number is. Stay under it.
12. If you drive a real hooptie, don’t even bother. No one will believe that piece of crap belongs to faculty or staff. Get a bicycle.
13. Actually, get a motorcycle because apparently you can park those any goddam place you want (sidewalks, stairwells, foyers, hallways, cafeteria, etc.).
14. Lock your doors, but don’t turn the alarm on. It will go off while you are in class (or whatever it is you do), and someone will have to find out “whose alarm is going off?” Done.
15. Someone sitting in the car, driver or passenger side, will not keep me from calling parking enforcement to ticket you. Even if that person is the chair of some other department. It’s been done.

I am certain that many of my colleagues have additional useful suggestions. We’re here to help.